Letter to M
by KKartter
Summary: During Matt's time away from Mello, he's not in the best shape. He decides to write a letter to his lost friend. Not that Mello will ever see it, but Matt thought it would be good to vent. Song drabble; mention of mxm


**A/N: This is just a little drabble I wrote up one night. It's based on the song Nightmare by MSG. Enjoy!**

**-Carter**

* * *

M,

I honestly never thought I would end up here. I'm completely alone- again. I'm not surprised, I was expecting this, I'm not an idiot after all. But it still hurts. I should have known better not to get so attached to you but I couldn't stop myself. It's like you had this power, this control over me that just made it impossible for me to say enough is enough and I stuck by your side no matter what kind of bullshit you wanted me to take part in. I just didn't care.

But that's always been my problem, hasn't it? Not being able to care enough but you were different. Always different. I don't know how it happened but one day I found myself caring about you. Maybe that's why I stuck with you so much because after being emotionally paralyzed from all the pain I've suffered in my life, you actually managed to make me feel again.

I should have known that wouldn't end well though. I mean, like I said, I knew you would leave me but I ignored that fact because I didn't want to pass up the time we did have. But now you really are gone and I'm laying on my bed emotionless- No. That's not quite right… 'emotionless' is too weak. It's more like… broken. Yeah, broken. To the point where it's actually impossible for me to feel anything. I didn't even cry when you left and it's not like I wanted to but it wasn't painless knowing you left me behind, but still, I couldn't feel a damn thing.

I still feel one emotion constantly though. And of all the emotions, you'd think I would feel something like sadness or depression or hate. But none of those are correct. The emotion I feel the most, that really hasn't even left since you did, is fear. Because of nightmares. Because I wake up sweating, sometimes my eyes even watering after having a nightmare of never seeing you again. Or of you dying and I'll never even know.

The possibilities are endless but they always have the same result. I think what gets to me the most though, is that I never had the fucking courage to tell you exactly how I really felt. I mean really, how could I? You were all I had and I couldn't bring myself to just throw that all away. So I kept it to myself.

That's the other thing though. Why you meant so much to me, because you really did bring out every foreign emotion from me and what was worse was you knew them all. Actually, as I'm laying here, writing this, I'm kinda thinking that you probably did know. That you probably saw right through me but just pretended like you had no idea for any number of reasons.

You probably just didn't feel the same and didn't want things to be weird. Or maybe you were trying to make me less of a pussy and get the courage to say it myself. Maybe you just didn't care at all so just decided to brush it off, knowing I would never be able to tell you so you had nothing to worry about and that was just the easiest thing to do.

It still sucks though. You no longer by my side. I can't sleep alone anymore. I need you here with me. My nights are filled with memories of late night chatting and sneaking out of our room to break into the kitchen to get snacks or set up pranks for other children.

That's all in the past now though, isn't it? None of that will ever happen again. Even if we were to somehow be reunited, neither of us would be the same. I know you've been in the mafia and I know you've been watching me, ever since I moved to LA, figuring I could use a new start and maybe, just maybe, we'd run into each other.

But the problem is, you don't need me. And realistically, I don't need you. That's only half true. I need you to keep my nightmares at bay. I mean, you must know on some level just how much your absence is affecting me. You can read me like a book, you always knew exactly what was going on in my head so you must have known that you leaving would tear me to shreds. You just didn't care.

You put yourself first like you always have. I don't mind though, you were always number one for us. Disregarding test scores and Near and all that bullshit. I always saw you as number one. And honestly, I would probably hate myself if by some miracle you put me first and stayed with me instead of attempting to follow your dreams. I wouldn't even be able to live with myself if you were stupid enough to do that.

I think I'm starting to grow use to them though. The nightmares. Because they're something constant in my life. The nightmares are there instead of you and although they bring nothing but fear and pain, at least it's something. It reminds me that I'm not completely broken and I can still feel some things, no matter how how unpleasant they may be.

Maybe one day you'll actually need me again and you'll call and I'll come, no questions asked. I know that nothing will change. We'll just say 'hey, glad to see you again' and go back to how we've always been. Except much more serious. And I know we'll never discuss your leaving or my nightmares and we definitely won't discuss the topic that I'm too much of a coward to mention.

The saddest part though, is that no matter how much it hurt me to watch you just abandon me and leave me behind, and how broken you left me just laying here in the dark with nothing left but nightmares of your memory, I still love you. And I know I will always love you and I can't change a damn thing about that fact.

Who knows? Maybe I'll even just get lucky and you'll somehow manage to find this letter.

Well, until next time, M.

-Matt


End file.
